1. A Push for Quick Involvement: The individual comes on very strong, claiming “I’ve never felt loved like this ever, by anyone.” An abuser pressures the other person for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.
2. Jealousy: The individual is excessively possessive, calls constantly or visits unexpectedly, prevents you from going to work because you “might meet someone,” checks the mileage on your car.
3. Controlling: The individual interrogates you intensely (especially if you’re late) about a variety of issues: who you talked to and where you were. He keeps all the money and insists you ask for permission to go anywhere or do anything.
4. Unrealistic Expectations: He expects you to be the perfect woman and to meet his every need.
5. Isolation: He tries to cut you off from your family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of “causing trouble;” the abuser may deprive you of a phone or car or try to prevent you from holding a job.
6. Blames Others for Problems or Mistakes: It’s always someone else”s fault if anything goes wrong–the boss, his family, you. The individual has great difficulty accepting responsibility for his own decisions and problems.
7. Makes Everyone Else Responsible for His Feelings: The abuser says, “You make me angry,” or “You’re hurting me by not doing what I tell you.” Less obvious are such claims: “You make me happy.”
8. Hypersensitivity: The individual is easily insulted, claiming that his feelings are hurt when he is really mad. He’ll rant about the injustice of things that are just part of life.
9. Cruelty to Animals and Children: The abuser often kills or punishes animals brutally. Also, he may expect children to do things that are beyond their ability (he may spank a two-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry.
10. “Playful” Us of Force During Sex: He often enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; he may say he finds the idea of rape exciting.
11. Verbal Abuse: He constantly criticizes you or says blatantly cruel, hurtful things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve self deprivation, waking you up and keeping you up with relentless verbal abuse.
12. Rigid Sex Roles: He expects you to serve, obey, and remain at home.
13. Sudden Mood Swings: The abuser frequently switches from sweetly loving to explosively violent in a matter of minutes.
14. Past Battering: He admits hitting women in the past buy says they made him do it or the situation brought it on.
15. Threats of Violence: He makes statements like, “I’ll break your neck,” or “I’ll kill you,” and then dismisses them with “Everybody talks that way,” or “I didn’t really mean it.”